Communicating in Painful Situations Without Making It Worse
One of my favorite concepts from John Miller's QBQ material is the idea of avoiding"triangulation" in communications. Triangulation
is where Person A doesn't like something Person
B did, so they tell Person C.
And it's not just discussion to try to figure
the whole thing out, but purposefully bashing
good old "A" behind their back so "B" can build
up their own feelings about being right.
Triangulation solves nothing. First, the problem
isn't even addressed between the only two
individuals who can do anything about it, A and B.
Without direct communication, there's no room
for discussion, no allowance for the possibility
of error or misinterpretation on the part of
the original offended party and no opportunity to
fix it and move on. Contrary to popular opinion,
venting doesn't help, it just makes you madder.
Now I'm not guilt-free in this area, so if I
sound "holier than thou," a thousand apologies.
But after a few times being the triangulation "crash test dummy", I can see the good sense:
if you've got an issue, go to the person the
issue is with, not to 2-3 other people to
whine.
And if you don't get your way, accept that
sometimes life is like that. You can choose to
whine and bash, but what will you get? Higher
blood pressure and a fast-growing desire to
be somewhere else.
Last time I checked, you need to have relation-
ships with people to get anything done in life...even things that are 99% selfish. "No man is an island"
isn't just a cute saying.
If you go behind people's backs every time
you don't get your way, or stubbornly decide to
make life hell for the other person because you
didn't get what you wanted, or use how you
communicate to influence some other issue,
relationships are going to be impossible.
Sure it's harder to work everything out, but
all the right stuff in life is hard. Suck it up.
And I know there are people who don't believe
that relationships are critical, so don't
write to remind me. People wrapped up in some
zealous pursuit in particular have a hard time
with the "people are more important than being
right" concept because often "being right" is
wrapped up in their desire to succeed.
So if you know hungry people (bad sales people,
for instance, trying to get paid for something
they can't really do well), beware. I've been
one of those in the past, and, sad to say, I
wasn't very easy to get along with.
If you're an employer you have to pass on
hiring these people and make darned sure
you hire competent people who will feel
well fed by what you're paying them. Don't
mistake hungry for the expert's zeal to do well.
Hungry people go from job to job leaving a wake
of stunned, angry, less productive people in their
wake.
Watching one episode of "The Apprentice" should
convince you that much of our society thinks
winning the argument is more important than the
person they're arguing with. If you own a company
it's your job to set the right expectations clearly
and plainly.
Business owners and managers, you have to grasp
this: you have a vested financial interest in
promoting an environment where people will
actually talk out their problems and work with
each other. If you're an executive and you don't
see that call me and we'll go over it
privately (...you pay people to get work done;
they have to work together to get it done; they
hate each other and won't talk; less work gets
done; less money gets made; you still have the
same expense for less revenue and profit...).
Bottom line:
If you own a business, develop and insist on
basic communication rules in the workplace.
You can't take it for granted that your employees
are adults and will figure it out for themselves...set expectations, teach them, lead by example
and you'll reap the rewards.
Number one on the list of communication rules:
"No triangulation. You got a problem, you talk
directly, first, to the person you've got a problem
with."
If someone comes to you with a gripe about
someone else, refuse to talk to them until they
first talk to the other person directly!
If someone comes to you with a gripe about you,
take time to listen. Look for win-win ways
(read: compromise, compromise) to solve the
problem. Approach with open mind and heart.
Try. Rinse and repeat.
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